


as a god, as a woman

by equals_eleven_thirds



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, implied agnes/jack at the end but ehhhhhh, it's not gonna end well though that's for sure, not a happy ending for agnes and jude, what is agnes feeling? she doesn't even know!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:41:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23177128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/equals_eleven_thirds/pseuds/equals_eleven_thirds
Summary: The way Jude looks at Agnes is different. And then it isn't.
Relationships: Agnes Montague/Jude Perry
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	as a god, as a woman

**Author's Note:**

  * For [consumptive_sphinx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/consumptive_sphinx/gifts).



> a gift for consumptive_sphinx for helping me with my homework: agnes/jude and being sad about it.

When Agnes sees Jude, her first thought is, _she could love the Lightless Flame._ Her second thought is, _she could love me._ Maybe it means something, that those thoughts are different. Maybe it means something that it’s the second thought that sparks hope in her chest.

She doesn’t know what it means, though, so she sits down across from a burnt-out woman and speaks softly to her of _desolation_ and _sacrifice_ while her family-friends-followers stand at her side, and for that first conversation Jude looks at her with something new in her eyes. Something different. Something that fans at the spark inside her, so different from her usual burning heat.

Nicholas Tregenza dies, and the next time Agnes sees Jude, the latest follower of the Lightless Flame watches her with the exact same faith and devotion as all the others.

The strange spark disappears, and Agnes tells herself she does not miss it.

Being bound to Gertrude Robinson _hurts._ It is not burning; it is being smothered to near-nothingness. It is being tied down and kept from her destiny. It is her flame almost going out, but not quite.

And it is the looks of sorrow and pity and disappointment in everyone’s eyes. It is Arthur reasoning that they need only wait. It is Diego leafing through books for answers instead of talking to her. It is being told that Jude—Jude who is brand new, Jude who Agnes spoke to and taught and converted—is her _guardian_ now, and will watch over her as she sits, useless, in her small, empty flat.

Her lungs are too heavy and cold for her to protest. Even after she burns Eugene’s candles, fills herself with fire and pain and screams, she doesn’t have the breath for all the things she wants to say.

She lies on the floor, auburn hair spilling out behind her like the fire she can’t burn the world with, and stretches out her arm until her littlest finger brushes Jude’s foot.

“Do you love me?”

Jude kneels immediately, picking up her hand and gazing at her fervently. “Of course I do. Of course I do.”

“Mm. Do you love the Flame?”

Her burning gaze does not waver. “Of course, Agnes.”

“Mm.” There is another question on her tongue, about _more_ and _which one_ and _if I fail_ and _will you still,_ but the screamsmoke has escaped her lungs and she is feeling cold and heavy again. She closes her eyes and feels Jude’s fingers trail over her hand, hot and waxen and adoring.

The way Jack looks at her is _different._ He serves her black coffee and he thinks she is beautiful and strange and he stares at her as if he has been caught in a web. Agnes remembers her time in a web, and wonders a little if it is a _good_ look, but it is not the way her followers look at her. It is not the way Jude looks at her, when she sits and talks about _releasing_ her from Gertrude, when she sighs and gives her money and leaves her all alone with her black coffee.

It is different, and a week later he asks her on a date. And in her cold, cold lungs, the doom of _hope_ sparks to life.

**Author's Note:**

> (the word 'screamsmoke' borrowed shamelessly from the song firesorrow girl by ron pyrites (ao3)/gerrydelano (tumblr), which i must give credit for bcos i love ron and his cool cool song. find it here: https://gerrydelano.tumblr.com/post/190593310555/shes-finally-here-ive-wanted-to-write-a-song)


End file.
